Imagine your mind is a bus. What do buses have? A driver and passengers. Ideally, the driver knows where they’re going, how to get there safely, and the passengers trust them. That’s how we’d like our internal world to work.
But sometimes, the driver isn’t sure what they’re doing. Maybe they’ve never driven a bus before. Meanwhile, the passengers, different parts of themselves, have been through tough experiences, and they don’t trust the driver. One yanks the wheel left, another pulls right, someone slams the brakes, and another floors the gas, trying to each be in control. Now, if your internal world is this bus, this is what we’d call… a terrible time.
But, what if the driver got to know each passenger? What if they all learned to trust each other, worked together, and figured out how to navigate in a way that made sense? That would feel a lot more like a smooth ride I think.
And that is the goal of IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy: to understand the different parts of yourself, build trust, and learn to lead with self-compassion. It takes time, patience, and intention, but with practice, things can start to feel more balanced. More like a smoother, calmer, more effortless ride.
Understanding Your Inner Parts
IFS teaches us that the mind is made up of different parts, each trying to protect us in some way. Some parts are loud and demanding, trying to steer us away from danger. Others are quieter, freezing in place instead of keeping things under control. Some parts act out to prevent us from feeling pain. Each part has a job and means well, but when they fight for control, it can feel chaotic, just like that out of control bus.
But here’s the good news: you, the Self, are still the driver. Even when things feel chaotic, your calm, compassionate, capable self is there. The goal of IFS isn’t to get rid of your parts that feel out of control, but to help them trust the Self, so they don’t feel the need to fight for control. It’s about creating a system where every part feels heard, understood, and safe enough to let the Self lead. The bus driver who knows what they are doing and where they are going.
Who Are the Passengers on the Bus?
Let’s talk about the passengers, your inner parts, because each one has a role.
- Exiles – These are the parts of us that carry deep pain or trauma. They sit quietly in the back, weighed down by past experiences. They stay hidden, carrying the hurt alone, but the pain leaks out and can affect the rest of the bus.
- Protectors – These parts step up to keep us safe. They might not always handle things in the best way, but their goal is to protect us from harm.
- Managers try to prevent bad things from happening by being overly cautious or controlling (caretakers, perfectionists, people pleasers, self-critics, procrastinators)
- Firefighters are reactive, stepping in to numb the pain when it becomes overwhelming (substance use, self-harm, binge eating, suicide ideation)
These parts try to protect you, but their actions can be exhausting. Again, the goal is to build trust so they can relax and let you, your Self, take the wheel.
Working Compassionately with Your Parts
How do we work with these parts? Instead of ignoring them or fighting them, we need to build trust and understanding.
- Step 1: Notice & Name – When you feel overwhelmed, check in with yourself. “I feel a critical part coming up,” or “There’s a part of me that’s afraid of failing.” Naming the part creates space between you and the emotion, making it easier to understand.
- Step 2: Get Curious – Once you notice a part, get curious about its needs. Ask, “What are you trying to do for me?” Every part, even the ones that seem frustrating, is trying to protect you in some way.
- Step 3: Build a Relationship – Treat your parts with compassion instead of shame. “I see you,” or “I appreciate that you’re trying to help.” When your parts feel heard, they start to relax and stop trying to take over.
- Step 4: Access the Self – The goal is for your calm, compassionate Self to take the wheel. Grounding techniques, like deep breathing, body awareness, or visualization, can help you reconnect with your Self when things feel chaotic.
When you work with your parts instead of fighting them, something shifts. The anxiety, shame, and inner conflict may not go away entirely, but they soften. It’s no longer a constant battle, there’s more space to just be. The key is that parts aren’t enemies. They just need to know they’re safe. When they trust that your Self is leading, they don’t have to protect you so much.
This process isn’t quick. Some of these parts have been in control for years, and it takes time, patience, and practice to build trust. But each conversation, each moment of compassion, brings you closer to where you want to be.
When you trust yourself as the driver, the journey feels less like a struggle and more like a conversation. Your parts don’t need to fight for control, they know they’re heard, understood, and guided with care. Though the road might not always be smooth, you’ll be better equipped to navigate it with confidence, kindness, and compassion!