Arguing is one of the most common things couples come into therapy feeling unsure or discouraged about. Many people worry that if they fight, it means something is wrong with their relationship. But the truth is, arguing is a normal part of being close to someone. It’s not the presence of conflict that breaks a relationship down—it’s how that conflict is handled.
In my work with couples, I’ve seen the same cycle play out in many different forms: tension builds, someone reacts, the other person escalates or shuts down, and neither person walks away feeling understood. It’s exhausting. But it’s also something that can shift with some insight and intention.
Here are a few things I find myself returning to often in session when we’re unpacking conflict patterns.
Arguing is not a sign of failure.
I try to normalize this as early as possible. Two people living life together will inevitably bump into one another emotionally. It would actually be more concerning if there was no conflict at all. That usually means someone is avoiding, not expressing. But what does matter is whether those arguments lead to disconnection or to repair. When conflict becomes chronic and unresolved, couples begin to feel stuck, distant, or even hopeless. But arguments that end in understanding, closeness, or learning something new about each other? Those can actually strengthen a relationship.
Surface arguments usually point to deeper needs.
So many couples say things like, “We keep fighting about the same thing.” Whether it’s dishes, scheduling, or communication styles, what’s underneath usually sounds more like: Do I matter to you? Can I count on you? Do you understand me? Most of us aren’t taught how to recognize these deeper emotional needs, let alone how to voice them. But when partners can slow down and connect to what’s really being felt—hurt, fear, rejection, or loneliness—it shifts the entire conversation. Instead of attacking or defending, we start to move toward each other.
Criticism and defensiveness are common but unproductive.
There is often a moment in conflict where one partner feels unheard and escalates into criticism, and the other responds with defensiveness. That dynamic quickly spirals and both people end up feeling worse. Instead of saying “You never help me,” it’s often more effective to say, “I feel overwhelmed when I’m managing everything alone.” This kind of language lowers defenses and invites connection. Likewise, instead of saying “That’s not true” or listing reasons why you were justified, it helps to say, “I see how that felt to you” or “That wasn’t my intention, but I get why it hurt.”
You cannot solve emotion with logic.
A common pattern I see is one partner feeling distressed and the other jumping into problem-solving mode. While that comes from a place of care, it often misses the mark. What people tend to need first is to feel heard and understood before they can shift into action. Emotion needs space. It helps to ask your partner, “Do you want support or problem-solving right now?” That simple question can avoid a lot of miscommunication and frustration.
Repair is more important than perfection.
You will argue. You will say the wrong thing at some point. But what matters more is whether you know how to come back together after. Repair is what builds long-term trust. It sounds like, “I didn’t handle that how I wanted to,” or “I’m sorry I got defensive—can we try again?” These moments of humility and care are what build security over time. You don’t have to avoid all conflict to have a healthy relationship. You just need to be able to return to one another with openness.
In short, arguing is part of being in a relationship. When done with respect and curiosity, it becomes a way to learn more about yourself and your partner—not something to be feared or avoided. And if the way you’re arguing is causing pain or disconnection, that’s not a sign you’re broken. It’s just a sign that something in the cycle needs attention.
Therapy can be a space to explore that without judgment. Often, couples don’t need to change everything—they just need a better map of what’s really going on underneath the conflict.
And if you’re feeling like the same fight keeps showing up again and again, that’s not a failure. It’s a flag. And it’s something we can work with.