I’m sure most of us are tired of hearing the same old lines: “I’m not homophobic, I just don’t want to see it.” “I believe in family values.” “I’m straight, I just fool around sometimes—don’t mean anything.” Welcome to the American South, where masculinity is exaggerated, God-fearing, emotionally unexpressive, and more often than people want to admit, deeply confused. Let’s discuss that.
When Hate Sounds Like Fear (And Maybe Lust)
Throughout my life, I’ve met many men who claim they hate gay people, and ten minutes later, they’re describing “a phase in college” with suspicious emotional detail. I’ve seen the browser histories, Craigslist ads, and stories starting with “I’m not gay but…” And look, I’m not here to out anyone, but I am here to hold up a mirror. A lot of homophobia isn’t really about hatred; it’s about fear—fear of rejection, fear of being discovered, fear of the teenage version of yourself you prayed away in youth group. This is what we call projection, where we repress our feelings and then become mad at others for daring to express theirs. Add in a little reaction formation (Freud’s term for pretending to hate what you crave), and you have a recipe for toxic masculinity with a splash of Grindr.
“Straight” Men at the Gloryhole: A Southern Tradition™
Let’s get specific. There’s a long, hidden history of “straight” men in the South, across the United States, and around the world visiting places like tearooms, highway rest stops, adult video booths, and more recently, Reddit threads titled ‘DL bro here, just need a release.” These men often have wives, families, and church directories with their names on them. Yet, they’re secretly meeting up with men while voting for laws that erase us. If you think I’m being dramatic, look up Tearoom Trade, a sociological study from the 1970s that confirmed what many of us already knew: the call is coming from inside the truck.
Being Masculine ≠ Being Straight
Let me stress this for the guys in lifted F-150s: You can be gay or bi and still be masculine. You don’t have to lisp or wear crop tops (unless you want to). You don’t need to know every Beyoncé lyric. Plenty of queer men look, sound, and act like any other guy at the tailgate. And guess what? That doesn’t make them any less queer. It’s just how they naturally are, have been conditioned to be, or feel comfortable. We need to stop thinking queerness must fit a stereotype, have one look, one voice, or one walk. Many still get confused, but sexual orientation, masculinity/femininity, and gender identity are very different things. You can be a very masculine man and only like men, or a more feminine man and only like women; neither makes you “less of a man.” After all, excessive masculinity isn’t proof of straightness. It’s often just a sweaty performance. The more someone feels the need to prove they are a “straight macho man,” the more performative it seems. If you’re comfortable with yourself, why do you need to “prove it” so much?
Redneck Culture Is Accidentally Gay (And Sometimes on Purpose)
Let’s be honest: Southern culture has always flirted with queerness. The locker room ass slaps. The “wrestling” in the grass after three Coors Lights. The shirtless selfie pictures in deer stands with captions like “No homo but hit me up.” And now? It’s embracing camp on purpose. Young Southern guys are posting thirst traps in their duck hunting gear, wearing eyeliner with their cowboy hats, and unapologetically saying, “Yeah, I’m gay—and I’ll outfish you.” The culture is shifting. Slowly. But clearly. It turns out that redneck doesn’t cancel out rainbow.
Religion, Shame, and the Family Values Lie
I grew up around “family values.” You know the kind, where men cheat on their wives but criticize drag queens. Where pastors preach purity while secretly texting escorts, where everything queer is sinful, but lying to your entire congregation about your own identity is “leadership.” This isn’t just hypocrisy. It’s a system built to reward denial and punish honesty. If you’re a man raised in a conservative area and attended a conservative church, you were probably taught that your worth depended on how well you could hide the parts of yourself that felt unsafe. That kind of training runs deep. Still, it shouldn’t define your adulthood. If this sounds familiar… If any of this makes you squirm a little, that’s good. If you’ve:
- Hooked up with men, but “don’t count it.”
- Obsessed with not being “too gay.”
- Felt triggered by the mere existence of queer men.
- Prayed the gay away… but it didn’t go away.
Hear me now: you’re not alone and you’re not broken. The closet is loud, but therapy helps those echoes fade. It’s where you stop putting on a front and start unpacking. It’s where you discover who you are beneath layers of shame, sermons, and masks.
Let’s Talk About Mama and the Scissor Sisters
Just to add a bit of lightness and a happy note to what is otherwise a complex and harsh reality, I’ll be sharing one of my all-time favorite songs: “Take Your Mama” by Scissor Sisters. It’s playful, glittery, queer meets country, and most importantly, it envisions a world where you can come out to your Southern mama, and instead of disowning you, she says, “get in loser, we’re going dancing.” That’s the fantasy so many closeted men carry—being out and celebrated, not just tolerated but invited. Taking your mama out all night and showing her what it’s all about isn’t silly. It’s sacred.
Final Thoughts
You don’t have to act gay to be gay. You don’t have to choose between being Southern and being yourself. You don’t have to spend your life hating what you secretly are. There’s space for you outside the closet, even in Tennessee. Want help navigating this? Therapy’s not just for people in crisis. It’s for people ready to stop lying to themselves. And trust me, that first real exhale? It’s better than any anonymous encounter behind a gas station. Let’s talk.