“Sit with your feelings”, they said. “That’s the solution!”, they said… but they never told you how. So you went home and decided to give it a try, only to end up going down an emotional spiral that left you feeling your feelings more intensely, but now with additional distress in the mixture, and you came to the conclusion that sitting with your feelings is not for you.
If this sounds familiar, you’ve clicked on the right article. The recent mindfulness trend (that isn’t actually that mindful) has placed slogans like “just sit with it” all over social media, with no context or instructions on how to do this at best, or suggesting the use of toxic positivity to spread all over your feelings like a bad concealer at worst. Do we just ride the wave and wait for it to end just like that? Do we use affirmations? Do we punch a pillow and move on?
In this article, I will share how to sit with emotions using an acronym that I learned from one of my mentors, psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach. This is by no means the only “right” way to sit with emotions, but I find it to be an accessible way to bring both mindfulness and self-compassion into emotional difficulty. And, as usual, I will preface by suggesting that practicing this with a therapist or mental health professional can be a great option for those who might need trauma-informed adjustments or who don’t have experience practicing emotional regulation or distress tolerance. The acronym I will break down below is RAIN.
R- Recognize
Acknowledge the feelings, thoughts, or even physical sensations that are coming up for you. You can mentally list or name whatever you’re aware of in that moment.
A- Allow
This is where, instead of pushing away or getting “hooked” onto your thoughts and feelings, you allow the experience to be exactly as it is, without trying to change it. If you’re naming or listing your emotions, you can mentally whisper to yourself, “this, too” as you become aware of them.
I- Investigate
This is where curiosity comes in. However, it’s not the kind of curiosity that demands to make sense of an experience or asks how it can be rationalized. It’s not an intellectual or scientific investigation of the emotion, but rather a gentle way to bring your attention to your experience and how it’s showing up inside you. You may ask yourself questions such as, “Where do I feel this in my body?”, “What does this feel like inside of me?”, “What does this most need?”, or “What is the story I am telling myself?”.
N- Nurture
The final step is to nurture with self-compassion. Not to fix, not to make the feeling go away, but to tend to it. As you become aware of your pain (particularly with difficult or big feelings),
self-compassion is the desire to care for that pain or to relieve your suffering. What does this vulnerable place need the most? What does it want from you? Perhaps you can offer yourself a caring gesture, such as placing a hand on your heart, some gentle rocking, or taking deep breaths. You can experiment with different gestures depending on what you might need in that moment to see which one feels the most comforting. It could be movement, like going out for a walk or stretching; it could be offering yourself reassurance or an affirmation, such as “It’s okay”, or “I’m sorry you’re in pain”, or even “I hear you. I’m here”. It can include compassionate self-touch, like placing a hand on your belly and the other on your chest, gently cupping your cheek, or giving yourself a hug. It can also be visualizing being embraced by light or a sensation of warmth and love. Remember that self-compassion is accessible especially when we are struggling, and it does not have to be or sound like anything that doesn’t resonate with you. If you struggle to offer this to yourself, you may bring to mind a loving being (person or animal) and imagine being held in their love.
Using RAIN to sit with your feelings, whether big or small, can become a daily practice or part of your self-care routine. Eventually, it will feel easier and may even arise naturally whenever you detect that you are struggling emotionally. But whether it does or doesn’t, RAIN is NOT a practice to bypass your feelings or make them disappear. On the contrary, it is meant to bring your presence and attention to them, with a nonjudgmental attitude. It is designed to help you soften and open to the flow of emotions and sensations rather than escape from them. It’s a way to let emotions flow through you. Sitting with your feelings is not always easy, and it will not make them go away, but it can transform the way that you relate and respond to your feelings, which can ultimately make a positive impact on your relationship with yourself.