You have probably heard of the unofficial 12-week rule, that says you should not announce your pregnancy until you hit the 12-week mark. You’ve probably heard that it’s “safer” to wait to announce it or will prevent “awkward” conversations if something goes wrong. Because let’s face it, many people don’t want to be there for you if you miscarry before the 12-week mark. So, it’s better just not to share it. Let’s re-read those last two sentences. Sounds ridiculous right?
The logic behind the 12-week rule is to avoid public disappointment in case of a miscarriage, as the risk decreases significantly after the 12-week mark. Telling less people you are pregnant before the 12-week mark only makes a pregnant person feel more isolated and stigmatized. In other words, the 12-week rule basically states, “we want you to feel alone and not supported if you miscarry before the 12-week mark so don’t tell us”. If we really think about this “unofficial rule”, where is the logic for it. Miscarriages don’t hurt any less than if they were before 12-weeks or after. Is their grief less valid because it happens before the 12-week mark? Absolutely not! But why is society perpetuating this message.
The 12-week rule reinforces a culture of silence around pregnancy loss. The idea that one must wait to announce a pregnancy until the risk has diminished implies that miscarriage is a private or shameful experience, when in reality, it is a shared experience for many. Many people who experience pregnancy loss, whether it happens before or after the 12-week mark, feel isolated and devastated, in which support from others is crucial.
Waiting those 12-weeks before sharing might not be the best move for everyone, and it is completely okay (and often healthier) to share the news when you feel ready. The first trimester of pregnancy can be the hardest. Nausea, exhaustion, hormone rollercoasters and more are happening during this time and while all of this is happening, it’s like society is saying “Shh… don’t tell anyone yet.” It is during this time, when people often feel their worst, that support is most needed. So, what ends up happening is pregnant people are hiding or making up excuses as to why they are experiencing symptoms, which can be emotionally and physically draining. Keeping such significant news private can sometimes exacerbate stress and feelings of isolation. By not allowing individuals to share the news as soon as they are ready, we create an environment where people must “fake it” until the 12-week mark, leading to unnecessary stress, fatigue, and feelings of shame.
This 12-week rule further implies that only pregnancies that reach a certain milestone are worthy of being shared or celebrated. But this mindset undermines the excitement and joy of early pregnancy. Every pregnancy, regardless of outcome, is a deeply personal experience, and for many, the first few weeks are filled with hope, dreams, and joy. Why should that be invalidated because of a societal rule?
Ultimately, the decision of when to announce a pregnancy should lie with the individual or couple involved, not with societal rules or expectations. Some people may choose to share the news early, while others may wait for personal reasons. There is no “right” time to announce a pregnancy. What matters most is the decision is made by the people directly affected, with their emotional well-being and comfort in mind. It’s time to let go of the outdated 12-week rule and create an environment where people can announce their pregnancies in a way that feels right for them, without fear of judgement or shame.
Pregnancy loss is a reality for many and acknowledging it openly and compassionately is a step towards breaking the stigma. Let’s work towards creating a culture where people can celebrate their pregnancies and receive the support and understanding they deserve, no matter the outcome.