Chronic illnesses can trigger intense feelings of isolation and helplessness. Those struggling often ask themselves: “When will I feel like myself again? How long will this flare-up last? Am I burdening my loved ones? Will this derail my career, finances, and life?”. Hyperindependence—often characterized by a strong desire to handle everything on your own without asking for help—can make it difficult to adjust to a new reality especially if you are used to being the one supporting others.
So whether it’s physical, mental, or a combination of both, chronic illness requires a shift in how we approach life, tasks, relationships and ourselves. If you’re a hyperindependent person grappling with a chronic illness, it’s important to acknowledge the unique obstacles you might face and learn strategies to adapt.
One of the most challenging aspects of navigating chronic illness as a hyperindependent person is the internal struggle around asking for help. You may have spent much of your life proving to yourself (and others) that you can handle everything independently. Chronic illness, however, doesn’t work that way nor does it bend to willpower. It’s important to acknowledge that needing help doesn’t diminish your strength or capabilities. It’s a sign of wisdom to recognize when you can’t do it all on your own and to accept the support of others, whether it’s from family, friends, or healthcare providers.
As someone who values independence, the idea of relying on others may feel uncomfortable. It might even bring up feelings of guilt or failure. However, rethinking what self-sufficiency means can help. True self-sufficiency isn’t about doing everything alone—it’s about taking care of yourself in the ways that make you feel empowered. That might mean finding creative solutions to take breaks when you’re exhausted, relying on technology for assistance, or letting go of certain tasks temporarily in order to focus on your health. Self-sufficiency in the context of chronic illness is about knowing when to push yourself and when to rest, and when it’s time to lean on others for support. However, this wisdom is accumulated over time and may take longer for those of us who have spent a lot of time dissociating, ignoring and downplaying our pain, symptoms and impact of our struggles to ourselves and others.
Hyperindependence often goes hand-in-hand with a strong desire to maintain control over your environment. Fortunately, there are countless adaptive tools and systems designed to make managing chronic illness easier. From using paper plates and disposable silverware during bouts of low functioning to prevent pile up and ergonomic tools for daily tasks, there are numerous ways to adapt to your illness while maintaining your autonomy. For example, if mobility or energy is a concern, a grocery delivery service or a robot vacuum might allow you to manage your space without overextending yourself. Embracing these tools can be a way to keep control of your life while reducing physical strain. Remember no one dreams of mobility aids who doesn’t need/benefit from them so asking your provider about if an aid may be right for you is not attention seeking its self-advocacy and care. The strong desire to control your environment that often accompanies hyperindependence can be supported by adaptive tools and systems designed to facilitate chronic illness management.Â
Living with chronic illness often means having good days and bad days. A hyperindependent person might set extremely high expectations for themselves, pushing through pain or fatigue to meet them. However, this can lead to burnout and further health complications. Learning to set realistic expectations—both for yourself and your environment—is key. This might mean adjusting your to-do list, prioritizing tasks, and giving yourself permission to say “no” or take a break when needed. Establishing clear boundaries around what you can and cannot handle is a form of self-care that promotes long-term well-being.
Navigating chronic illness doesn’t mean you have to completely rely on others for everything. Building a support system can help you preserve your independence while still having people to lean on when needed. This might include friends who understand your limitations, family members who can assist with specific tasks, or support groups for people going through similar health challenges. Having a solid support system gives you a safety net, but it’s important to maintain a sense of autonomy in how you manage your condition. You are still in charge of your decisions—ask for help when necessary, but continue to be the driving force in your treatment and care.
Hyperindependent people tend to be very hard on themselves, holding themselves to high standards and feeling guilty when they can’t meet those expectations. Chronic illness often forces you to slow down or change the way you do things, and that can feel frustrating and discouraging. Practicing self-compassion means giving yourself grace when you can’t do everything as you once did. It’s about understanding that you’re doing your best in difficult circumstances, and acknowledging that needing rest or assistance is part of the process of healing, not a sign of weakness.
Change takes time, curiosity and patience. You are going to over excerpt yourself, have bad days, make mistakes and feel burnout. This is a list of things to incorporate at your own pace and may not be relevant for everyone. Do not use this list to beat yourself up for what you’re not doing. Instead, take one aspect that you’d like to try and set small goals for yourself. If something isn’t working then try something else just know you are not alone. If you have the means for finding a therapist who can support you in your chronic illness journey can support you in incorporating support.
Change requires time, curiosity, and patience. You may overexert yourself, experience setbacks, make mistakes, and feel burnt out. The following suggestions can be incorporated at your own pace and may not be suitable for everyone. Don’t use this list to criticize yourself for what you’re not doing; instead, focus on one aspect you’d like to try and set achievable goals. If something isn’t working, try something else. Remember, you’re not alone. Consider seeking support from a therapist who specializes in chronic illness if you have the means.