Growing up I had constant anxiety. My anxiety would interfere with my sleeping, eating, and school. As a child I would not sleep at night out of fear that I would stop breathing in my sleep. I also would only eat certain foods or eat very slowly out of fear I would choke. These anxieties continued throughout my childhood and new anxious thoughts would constantly develop. I was always on edge and would feel moody from the constant anxiety. I did not get diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) until I was 21 years old. Throughout my childhood I was told I had Generalized Anxiety Disorder and was recommended to start on SSRIs and talk therapy. I went through years of talk therapy with little to no improvement on my anxiety. Even with the addition of SSRIS and SSNRIs, my anxiety still did not improve. Finally, at 21 years old I decided it was time to get a psychiatric evaluation from a Psychiatrist. During the evaluation the Psychiatrist told me he thought I had OCD. For the rest of the session, the Psychiatrist discussed medication with me. I was too scared to start on medication due to some bad experiences with previous psychiatric medications, and figured I had been living this long with it that I could just continue to live like this.
Finally, two years later I decided to see a counselor for my OCD. The counselor conducted an assessment and confirmed I definitely have OCD. The counselor taught me more about OCD and I started Exposure Therapy with her. We were able to learn more about my OCD and identified my compulsions. A lot of my compulsions revolved around reassurance seeking from loved ones or checking things (door locks, alarms, etc). It was A LOT of work, and hard at times but it was the first time I started to get relief from my OCD symptoms. In exposure therapy, you have to do anxiety-inducing things and stop compulsions. It was hard because at that point I had a lot of anxiety regarding my health which had developed from some of my medical disabilities. Some of the anxiety was grounded in reality because I had medical issues that had led to some emergencies that were scary. Breaking compulsions that related to checking my health and reassurance-seeking regarding my health were hard. But through the exposure therapy, my health-related anxiety and overall anxiety decreased.
After a few years, I was able to stop seeing my counselor on a regular basis and cope with my OCD on my own. I have been able to cope with it on my own by recognizing OCD thoughts and compulsions, and making myself stop those compulsions. Learning more about my OCD through my own therapy made me a better therapist. I have been able to recognize OCD and signs of OCD for people who may have been undiagnosed. I am able to empathize and understand a lot of what my clients are going through because of my own experiences. My OCD was never “cured” and it will be something I live the rest of my life with, but going through exposure therapy has made coping with it easier.
My goal with being open about my OCD is to assist with the destigmatization of mental illnesses. When we engage in discussion about OCD and mental illness in general, it can make it feel less scary and isolating. As time goes on the stigma surrounding mental illness has improved, but there is a lot more work that needs to be done. According to the International OCD Foundation about 1 in 40 adults have OCD. A lot of people struggle with debilitating OCD. The more we talk about OCD and the more education there is on OCD, the easier it can be for people to get diagnosed and get the right treatment for it. OCD can be hard for people to talk about even in therapy because the obsessions that come along with it can bring feelings of shame and embarrassment.
The International OCD Foundation describes OCD as “a person gets caught in a cycle of obsessions and compulsions”. The DSM 5 says obsessions are recurrent and persistent thoughts or images that are intrusive or unwanted that cause anxiety or distress. The DSM 5 also states the individual attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts or images or neutralize them with some other thought or action. Because obsessions cause anxiety or distress they can also be taboo which can make it even harder to talk about. According to the International OCD Foundation “The obsessions and compulsions of OCD are ego-dystonic, as people with OCD are distressed by the content of their intrusive thoughts and would truly prefer not to do the compulsive behaviors or have the compulsive thoughts that keep their distress at bay for a moment“. The International OCD Foundation defines ego–dystonic as not aligning with one’s value, identity, beliefs, or desires. Compulsions are described by the DSM 5 as repetitive behaviors or mental acts that are done in response to an obsession and are aimed at preventing or reducing anxiety or distress. The DSM 5 adds that these behaviors or mental acts are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent, or are excessive. It is specified in the DSM 5 that obsessions or compulsions are time consuming or cause clinically significant distress in important areas of functioning. OCD is not “curable” but through therapy and treatment OCD can be managed and a person’s quality of life can improve. People can learn how to manage their OCD symptoms and OCD can eventually feel less difficult to live with. OCD can make working in the mental health field hard. In my career as a counselor,b I have had to be mindful of burnout and how my OCD can be a catalyst for burnout. My OCD is often triggered by stress, which if I am not mindful about stress my OCD symptoms can become exacerbated. To lessen that I have always tried to prioritize boundary-setting and self-care. Which I recommend doing regardless of if you have OCD and regardless of your job field. There can be a lot of stigma of being a therapist with a mental illness. But, my experience I have had with OCD has given me the confidence and empathy to do a good job as a counselor. Going through therapy myself has also given me the skills to do well and be happy. OCD is scary but it can get better.