Anxiety can arise from many sources—an upcoming event that feels overwhelming, worrying about all the possible outcomes of a situation, or struggling to navigate challenges in relationships. When working with clients, I have noticed that a significant contributor to anxiety for many people is the misalignment of behaviors and core values. Anxiety, in its many forms, can arise from internal conflict—when what we believe to be important or meaningful in life is at odds with how we’re actually living. This dissonance between values and behavior can create a profound sense of unease and discomfort, often leading to a cycle of worry, stress, and self-doubt. Identifying our core values and understanding how they shape our actions and vice versa can be a powerful tool to help manage anxiety. By bringing our behaviors into harmony with our values, we can live more authentically, reducing anxiety and creating a life that feels more aligned with who we truly are.
What are values really? Values are the guiding principles that lie at the core of who we are. These principles shape how we view the world around us, what we prioritize in life, and how we behave. Values might include things like compassion, family, humor, honesty, order, conformity, or independence. While these principles are easy to identify in a general sense, each individual has their own unique set of values that deeply inform the decisions they make, the relationships they build, and the paths they choose in life.
While these values influence our behaviors, it might not always be in the way we want them to. When our values and behaviors are not aligned – it makes life harder in ways such as creating frustration, confusion, resentment, and for many individuals- high levels of anxiety. An example might be if someone values honesty and authenticity but is in a relationship where they feel they have to withhold their own opinion or truth to avoid upsetting their partner or causing conflict. This might lead to the individual feeling as if they aren’t being true to themselves and having inner tension caused by the disconnect between values and behaviors.
I’m sure that some of you might be thinking, “This information is great, but I don’t even know how to recognize the disconnect or identify what my core values are.” Therapy is a great place to start! One of the first steps in learning to manage anxiety or discomfort that stems from values and behavior misalignment is identifying the areas where the disconnect is taking place. Before doing this, identifying your own personal core values is necessary. One of my favorite things as a therapist is working to assist clients in learning their core values and figuring out what behaviors, connections, or thoughts they are having that are in line or out of alignment with these values. There are tools you can learn through the therapeutic process that can aid in pinpointing your core values. After identifying these values, I ask clients questions like:
- What do you feel you value most in life?
- Do you see your values reflected in your actions?
- Do you feel conflicted or anxious about your behaviors?
- Do you feel like you’re being true to your own values?
These questions help individuals to begin seeing the disconnect in their own lives and gives us a place to make changes that can help you to start living in a way that feels more authentic to who you are and what you want in life. Sometimes, it’s a simple shift like making time for things you truly value. Other times, it might require larger, more difficult changes, like setting boundaries, confronting fears, or reevaluating relationships or career choices. Although living in a way that feels more aligned with your values doesn’t guarantee that anxiety won’t creep up sometimes, it can help to reduce the tension and internal conflict that oftentimes leads to worry, fear, and anxiety. When we begin to live in a way that feels more authentic to who we are according to our core values, we can learn to feel more at peace to ease anxiety symptoms and become more resilient when faced with challenges.
Remember – it takes time to make changes in your life, and perfection is not the goal. It’s about progress and allowing yourself to grow in new ways. If you feel like you’re struggling with anxiety related to misalignment in your life, you simply aren’t sure if this is what’s happening for you, or you don’t know where to start with identifying your values – therapy is a great place to start!