“If you simply cannot understand why someone is grieving so much, for so long, then consider yourself fortunate that you do not understand”. – Joanne Cacciatore
Grief is love. Dr. Cacciatore says, when we love deeply, we mourn deeply. I am acutely aware of how grief avoidant we are as a society, because most people don’t understand grief. We tend to fear what we don’t understand, and we avoid what we fear.
Grief is not only emotional, but also physical and social. It has effects on attachment, interpersonal dynamics, cognition, behavior, the body and physical health, and even on our very cells. This article will not provide education on grief after a loved one dies, but rather some suggestions on what not to say to bereaved people, and suggestions on what to say instead.
What NOT to say:
- “At least it wasn’t ________”
- “They’re in a better place”
- “Heaven needed an angel” – “You should be moving on”
- “You should be grateful that ______”
- “They wouldn’t want to see you sad”
- “You should focus on _____”
- “It could’ve been worse”
- “Think happy thoughts”
Please do not say any of these things to a friend or loved one who is grieving. While well intentioned, it can be incredibly dismissive of their experience and it reflects an inability to be with their grief. Chances are that there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to make someone’s grief go away, but making it go away is never the point. Avoiding grief is not the answer. Instead, if you want to support a loved one who is grieving, here are a few things you can DO:
- Say the name of the person who died instead of trying to avoid it. They’re not Voldemort
- Help your loved one with household chores or caregiving (after getting consent)
- Accept your loved one’s grief and any feelings that may accompany it. There are no good or bad feelings, and there is no right or wrong way to grieve
- Offer your full, nonjudgmental presence
- Remember with them. Share your memories about the person who has died
- Listen to their stories, their memories, what they miss, how they feel. Listen instead of trying to fix
- Offer company or space, as needed. Ask them if they would like company or if they need some space
- Check in on them
- Bring them dinner
- Validate their grief and their emotions, whatever they may be
- Be there not just for a day or a week, but consistently, week after week
Grief is messy, and it has a life of its own. It moves, changes, grows, evolves, and it comes in waves. Know that the last thing a grieving person needs is to be told how they should feel or what they should do, especially if it suggests that they should stop grieving or feeling a certain way. Know that the most important thing you can do is be there. It’s simple, but it’s not easy. It’s not easy to bear witness to the unbearable pain of grief and to refrain from trying to fix it, but that’s the thing about it: It is not wrong and it is not a disorder. Grief needs to be witnessed, to be held, to be loved, to take up space, to shake the earth. Let it.