We’ve all heard of self-compassion, but most of us have an incomplete concept of this practice, and it’s time we talk about it. The word “compassion” is derived from latin, and it means “to suffer with”. Compassion refers to the way we respond to suffering, whether it’s someone else’s, or our own (self-compassion). It is not like empathy, because it takes empathy one step further and moves us to respond to this suffering; it is not passive. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, compassion involves mindfulness (as you become aware of suffering), common humanity (as you realize that suffering is part of our collective human experience), and kindness (the desire to help or relieve this suffering). In Buddhism, the near enemy of compassion is pity. A near enemy is a state of mind that resembles the desired quality, but is actually harmful. Pity looks down on the person and creates a sense of separation, implying that others are different from us (or that we are different from others, like in self-pity). Compassion, on the other hand, creates a sense of connection through our common humanity, and comes with a sense of openness. Instead of “Oh, poor person”, compassion says, “I care about your suffering”.
Another common misconception is that self-compassion involves lying to yourself, such as finding a silver lining even when you can’t really see one, telling yourself that you’re the best, or promising that it will be okay when you don’t know if it will be. No wonder self-compassion feels inaccessible or inauthentic to some! But the magic of self-compassion is its accessibility, and it takes the pressure off of us by meeting us where we are instead of us having to meet it someplace that feels out of reach or far away. If you’re wondering how you can access self-compassion when all you do is fail, don’t worry, you’ve come to the right place. Below you will find a list that may help you in peeling back some of the layers of self-compassion.
- Self-compassion is not self-esteem
If you’re thinking you need to accomplish something or do something right in order to be able to feel self-compassion, you’re thinking of self esteem. We build our sense of self esteem through both internal and external validation, and it gets a nice boost when we reach a goal we’ve been working toward or when we are pleased with ourselves. But what about when you’ve hit rock bottom? When it feels like all you do is fail, or when the rug has been swept from under your feet and it feels like life just hasn’t been on your side? That is exactly when you’d want self-compassion to make an appearance. You don’t need to be anyone or do anything or have anything in order to access self-compassion. It is not earned, but practiced, and it is not dependent on external factors. When you’re down in the dumps, it is self-compassion that says, “I am sorry you’re hurting”.
- Self-compassion is not pity
As I mentioned above, pity may sound like compassion, but it is nothing like it. Pity separates, while compassion unites. In pity, you don’t see yourself in others (when you pity others), and you don’t see others in you (when you pity yourself). But when you feel compassion, you understand that every person on the planet knows suffering, and therefore you are able to see our shared humanity and how we are all interconnected.
- Self-compassion is not unrealistic
Practicing self-compassion does not mean that you have to make empty promises like “everything is going to be okay” or that you have to repeat affirmations that don’t feel genuine or sincere like “you’re the best” or “anything is possible if you just keep trying”, or even “you’re beautiful”. You can start small and with something that feels more authentic to you, such as “This sucks, and I’m sorry”, or “This is hard, and I am trying my best”. You can even wish things for yourself if you really really don’t feel them at that moment, like “May I be peaceful” or “May I see myself with kindness”.
- Self-compassion does take softness AND fierceness
You may think that self-compassion is kind, nurturing, soft, and tender. This is true. But if this is all there is, it might be incomplete. Softness is like the yin of self-compassion, but we often forget about the yang, which is fierce action. Practicing compassion requires a caring, soothing presence in the face of hardship AND taking action. This is why self-compassion might look like offering yourself kindness AND setting boundaries, and compassion with others might involve caring AND putting that into action, such as doing advocacy work, protesting, building safe communities, and having hard conversations. Doing hard things is a crucial part of compassion.
In conclusion, if you want to begin a self-compassion practice, the good news is that it can be accessible to anyone and meet you even at the worst moments of your life. The “bad” news, however, is that it will require a certain level of discomfort, because you may not be used to offering yourself kindness or to speaking up and challenging yourself and others. But if you’re looking for a good place to start, keep in mind the elements of compassion mentioned at the beginning of this article: mindfulness, shared humanity, and kindness. Practice becoming aware of your own suffering, acknowledge it, and remember that no matter how lonely the road might feel, there have been many others that have walked it before you, and many others that might be walking their own lonely road right this very moment. This is what connects us as humans. And then? Get curious about what a desire to help moves you to do.