When I finally go on vacation, I’ll be relaxed. When I finally get that promotion, I’ll spend more time with my family. When I finally start dating, I’ll be happy. When I finally get in shape, I’ll feel better about myself. When I finally (fill in the blank), I’ll (fill in the blank). Do any of these statements sound familiar to you? Maybe you say something along those lines to yourself or maybe you have heard others say them. I know I am guilty of saying a handful of similar statements over the years. Unfortunately, many people, including myself, fall into this trap of thinking once they get to a certain point in their life, achieve something, or complete something, they will feel better, happier, less stressed, etc. “When I finally…” statements are a dreadful never-ending cycle.
Think back to a time where you may have used one of these phrases. What happened when you did reach that point? Did everything magically change? Did you ever reach that point, or did you end up thinking of some other barrier that prevented you from doing so? Often when the thing that you’ve been waiting to happen finally does, nothing changes, and you don’t feel any different. Maybe you replace it with a different goal or objective or perhaps it wasn’t “good enough” for you. Maybe you just shift your attention to something else to become your excuse. Whatever it is you find yourself doing, they all have the same end goal. These statements and phrases that we keep telling ourselves are more than just a thought. They become the lens that we live our life through. As a result, it may decrease our self-esteem, hurt relationships, increase stress and more.
Fixating on the event, occasion or achievement becomes the barrier to living in the moment and experiencing many of the things that we want to enjoy. It prevents us from accepting who we are and the season of life we are in. This never-ending cycle puts conditions and exceptions on our happiness, wellbeing, or whatever else the end goal is. The truth is our minds can come up with a million different reasons as to why we won’t be able to do whatever is at the end of the statement. Life is busy, messy, and often does not go according to how we plan. However, this shouldn’t prevent us from enjoying the business, messiness, and uncertainty that life brings.
Like with many things, these cycles of thinking patterns require effort and work to change. Therapy is a great place to start working on changing these thought cycles. Practicing mindfulness and gratitude to help engage in the present moment can help you experience life as it is happening instead of waiting for that one specific future event. Whatever your end goal is, ask yourself, “why not now?”. We have more control over our thoughts, emotions, and actions than we may think. If your goal is “to be relaxed”, what can you do today to give yourself some time to relax? Maybe you meditate or engage in some other self-care practice. If your goal is “to spend more time with family”, how can you do that today? Maybe you put work aside for 15-30 minutes to eat dinner together or go for a walk. The work will be waiting there for you when you get back. If your end goal is “to be happy”, how you can do something right now that brings you happiness? Maybe you listen to your favorite song or watch your favorite feel-good tv show. If your end goal is “to feel better about myself”, how can you start feeling better about yourself now? That may look like practicing affirmations or making a list of your strengths. Whatever your end goal is, the best time to experience it is today.