Do you ever hear that little voice in your head that starts every thought with the phrase “I should…?” You know, the one that brings on the pressure and guilt that often makes you feel like you aren’t doing what you need to be doing, could always be doing more, are lazy and incapable, or just aren’t living up to the expectations of yourself or others. These “should” statements, although extremely easy and subconsciously used, are so good at sneaking in and making you feel like you aren’t enough. Imagine this: you have had a long 40+ hour work week and are finally having a day off to relax. All week, you have had no downtime to do anything you enjoy or do any self-care activities. Sunday finally comes along, and you have the day open with no plans. You’re sitting on the couch relaxing, watching that new Netflix documentary that just released, when all of a sudden, that irritating voice in your head says, “I should be doing dishes right now” or “I should call my family since I haven’t spoken to them all week.” What emotion follows? If you’re anything like me, these thoughts are followed by a trail of guilt, shame, disappointment, and frustration with yourself. Who wants that after already having a tiring and long week? “Should” statements are typically created and formed from standards or expectations that we, society, or others place on us for motivation to do things and get things done. Although the right idea might be there, “should” statements often lead to negative feelings and emotions that usually cause anxiety. This is a perfect opportunity for an anxiety spiral to happen that directly impacts our self-esteem, self-image, and stress.
The first step to reduce and ultimately eliminate “shoulding” yourself is recognition and self-awareness. Be patient. You didn’t start talking to yourself in this way overnight. Most likely, this has been a longstanding way of communicating with yourself. Therefore, it will not be an overnight fix. Habits take time to break. When you start being more aware of how you speak to yourself, you might realize that you “should” yourself more than you realized. It’s important first to ask yourself, “What are my intentions behind this statement?” and “What emotions come from this statement?” Challenging yourself by recognizing every time you use a “should” statement and reframing it in a more encouraging and inviting way can be extremely helpful. For example, instead of saying, “I should do the dishes and call my family later,” you can reframe this by saying, “I would like to do the dishes and call my family today if I have time.” Tweaking these sentences in this way, although it might seem so small and miniscule, can genuinely change the way we create shame and guilt for ourselves and can have a powerful impact on our mental health. Don’t “should” yourself: Life’s messy enough without you being your own worst critic.