In couples’ therapy, there are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that lead to relationships ending. These include Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Research has shown that these have negative impacts on a couple’s ability to resolve conflict and may lead to eventual separation or divorce. The first of these is Criticism. This takes the form of sarcasm or blaming, and may often include words or phrases like “you always…”, “you should…”, “you never…”, or “What is wrong with you?” These imply that the partner is the problem and not the situation and how to deal with it. This can spell doom for the dynamics of the relationship.
Criticism
The first of the Four Horsemen is Criticism. Learning to frame your grievance in the form of a complaint instead of criticism involves 1) stating how you feel (I’m really angry), 2) about as specific situation (you didn’t clean the dishes), and 3) asking for what you want/need/prefer (can you do them now?). Here are some examples of complaints versus criticisms.
|
Complaint |
Criticism |
| “There’s no gas in the car. I’m upset that you didn’t fill it up like you said you would. Could you please deal with it tomorrow?” | “Why can’t you ever remember anything? I told you a thousand times to fill up the tank, and you didn’t. You’re always so careless.” |
| “I wish you had told me earlier that you’re too tired to make love. I’m really disappointed, and I feel a little embarrassed. Please let me know when you’re not in the mood for sex. I really am fine with a ‘no.’” | “Why are you always so cold and selfish? It was really nasty of you to lead me on. What is your problem? Are you frigid? |
| “I need you to check with me before inviting anyone over for dinner. I wanted to spend time alone with you tonight. I want us to schedule a romantic evening this week.” | “Why do you keep putting your friends ahead of me? I always come last on your list. Are you avoiding spending time alone with me?” |
| Quotes taken from Gottman, J. and Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work. Harmony Books. | |
Both partners can try using the Complaint template (how I feel about a specific situation and stating what you want to see happen) to resolving conflict. Without the criticism, you partner may be less like to become defensive.
If you are the receiver of the complaint, try approaching it with curiosity. Try asking questions about yourself and your partner, such as “What am I sensing, feeling, or noticing in my body right now?”; “What might my partner/spouse be experiencing in this moment?”; “What is the real issue at hand here?”; “What is being asked of me?”; “Am I willing to do this for our relationship?” You may feel uncomfortable, even angry, to receive this sort of complaint from your partner, but remember their feelings are valid as well as your own.
Contempt
The second of the Four Horsemen of relationship collapse involves Contempt. This is where you think that you are better than your partner. You know what is right and/or you are right. In the end, contempt is a form of disrespect to your partner. These may come in the form of sarcasm, mocking, eye-rolling, sneering, public shaming, moral judgment (or high ground), cynicism, harsh humor and/or character assassination.
All of these are meant to put down the partner and shame them. It involves disgust with the other partner that has been unaddressed properly for a long time, and it can be very damaging to the relationship, making it virtually impossible to resolve conflicts or to make a repair after a rupture has occurred. Instead of contempt, try these steps:
Name the Contempt without Shaming
“When you use sarcasm/eye-rolling/sneering, I feel dismissed. I want us to talk about what’s under all that.”
- Describe the behavior and not the partner’s character.
- Keep your tone neutral and grounded.
- Focus on the impact: “I feel…” rather than “You are…”
Shift to Specific Needs
“What I really want in moments like this is…”
- Try to identify the need that you have (respect, understanding, help, clarity, and so on).
- Replace judgments with specific requests (I need help with….)
- Keep these requests actionable and time-bound (e.g., I need help with washing the car before Saturday).
Rebuild Appreciation
Appreciation is an antidote to contempt in a relationship.
- Look for “glimmers” each day (small things that you appreciate in each other) and name them to your partner.
- Reinforce effort, not perfection.
- Use micro-appreciations: “I noticed…” or “I appreciate…”
Slow Down
Contempt is fueled by fast, reactive exchanges.
- Take a pause when the tone escalates and you feel overwhelmed.
- Use grounding strategies to regulate your own emotions (paced breathing, posture, and slowing down your speech)
- Re-enter with curiosity: “Help me understand what is happening for you.”
Address What’s Underneath the Contempt and Resentment
Contempt usually results from long-term conflict and frustration.
- Explore the origin of the resentment together.
- Identify patterns/triggers that keep recurring.
- Create a plan to repair (check-ins, shared responsibilities/tasks, clear boundaries)
Set Boundaries about Disrespect
“I can’t stay in this conversation if contempt shows up. I’ll pause and come back when we’re both calmer.”
- Define what behaviors cross the line into contempt.
- Communicate the boundary before enforcing it.
- Follow through consistently with your boundary setting.
You may feel that your relationship is stuck in an endless cycle of conflict, criticism, and contempt. However, there is hope that the relationship dynamics can improve and the two of you can thrive. This doesn’t mean that you won’t ever have conflict, but you can weather the storm if you try these important, softer ways of engaging in the conflict. If you and your partner need help with your relationship, please reach out to us at The Works Counseling Center. We’d be honored to help you.