In couples’ therapy, there are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that lead to relationships ending. These include Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. We’ve discussed the first two already, and the third and fourth of these are Defensiveness and Stonewalling, both of which can be detrimental to a couple’s future together.
Defensiveness
It’s natural for many of us to feel defensive when another person is complaining about something that we have done or not done. This is particularly true if your family of origin was harsh and critical with you. You want to diffuse the conflict by stating your case. However, this approach rarely helps us to get the resolution that we so desperately want. This is a subtle way of blaming your partner. You are the “victim” in this scenario, and your partner is the “aggressor”. This only serves to perpetuate and escalate the conflict between the two of you. In many cases, the defensiveness breeds contempt (see Part 1) and often leads to further attacks by the other partner with the complaint.
Some examples of defensiveness in couples’ therapy may look like some of these:
Counter-Attacking
Instead of responding to the concern, the defensive partner fires back.
Complaining Partner: “I felt hurt when you didn’t call.”
Defensive Partner: “Well, you ignore me all the time.”
Justifying
The defensive partner explains to protect him/herself rather than acknowledging the impact of what they have done.
Complaining Partner: “You snapped at me in front of my sister.”
Defensive Partner: “I was tired. You know how rough my day has been.”
Playing the Victim
The defensive partner turns the conversation into evidence he/she/they are being mistreated.
Complaining Partner: “I need more help with the household chores.”
Defensive Partner: “I guess I can’t do anything right. You’re always mad at me.”
Yes-Butting
The defensive partner agrees in form but rejects in substance.
Complaining Partner: “I want us to spend more time together.”
Defensive Partner: “Yeah, I know, but you’re always busy anyway.”
Minimizing or Denying
The defensive partner downplays the other partner’s experience or impact of their complaint. This invalidates the complaining partner’s reality and destroys emotional safety.
Complaining Partner: “I felt dismissed when you walked away.”
Defensive Partner: “I didn’t dismiss you. You’re exaggerating.”
Explaining Feelings Instead of Accepting Responsibility
The defensive partner explains what they were feeling as a justification. This emotional explanation becomes a deflection against taking responsibility for hurting their partner.
Complaining Partner: “You raised your voice at me.”
Defensive Partner: “Well, I was anxious. That’s why.”
Deflecting to Logistics
The defensive partner shifts the focus to practical details to avoid emotional content. The emotional bid from the complaining partner gets overlooked under the facts of what was happening.
Complaining Partner: “I felt alone last night.”
Defensive Partner: “We had a lot going on. The kids needed things, and it was late.”
Correcting the Partner
The defensive partner focuses on the complaining partner’s wording and focuses on precision instead of the meaning behind it.
Complaining Partner: “You never listen.”
Defensive Partner: “That’s not true. I listened to you on Tuesday complain about work.”
Defensiveness in a relationship and inhibit attempts to resolve conflict and often escalates it. It activates shame in the complaining or hurt partner, creating fears of inadequacy. This can also lead to attachment threat where the complaining partner fears they are the problem and the relationship may end because of that inadequacy.
To counter the problem of defensiveness in the relationship, we seek to reduce shame, slow down the emotional reactivity, and reframe accountability as connection rather than a threat. It will be helpful to
1) Be aware of the pattern of defensiveness without adding blame. What is happening is a shared relationship dynamic, not a personal flaw.
2) Shift from blame to impact (“when you do X, I feel Y”). This reduces the feelings of threat and invites empathy on the part of the defensive partner.
3) Slow down. Defensiveness is a nervous system issue. Try unclenching your hands or jaw, soften your posture, breathe slowly, and put your feet on the floor. A regulated body can be open to hearing the other partner.
4) Invite curiosity instead of rebuttal. Replace the mindset of “defend my position” with “understand my partner’s experience.” This interrupts shame and invites connection.
5) Try non-defensive receiving. Try phrases like “I hear you”, “I can see how this impacted you”, or “here’s what I want you to know about my intent.” This opens the door for accountability in a caring way.
Stonewalling
This is the last of the Four Horsemen of relationship downfalls. After receiving criticism, contempt, and defensiveness, a partner may resort to completely shutting out their partner. They may withdraw emotionally, verbally, or even physically from the conflict. This make take the form of silent withdrawal (looking at the floor or ceiling), one-syllable responses (“fine”, “whatever”, “I don’t know”) physical exit (leaving the room or home) during a conversation without an explanation, emotional blanking (going flat, monotone, freezing) and there is no engagement, or task switching where the partner does something else (cleaning, checking their phone, organizing) to avoid the conversation. This is different from pausing the argument/conflict since it occurs within one of the partners; both don’t mutually and explicitly agree to taking a break.
To counter stonewalling in the relationship, try instead:
- Recognize the shutdown. Name that you are being flooded with emotions (“I think I’m getting overwhelmed”).
- Pause the interaction. This prevents further harm from occurring and signals commitment to return.
- Self-soothe during the break. Try slow breathing, relaxing your body, take a walk, and remind yourself: “My partner is not the enemy. We’re trying to work this out together.”
- Re-enter with curiosity. Returning with openness prevents further escalation.
You may recognize yourself in some of these patterns. If so, reach out to us at The Works Counseling Center for support. We’d be honored to help you and your partner work through these issues.