I first began my journey into therapy many years ago to explore and understand my sexuality. I was terrified about the thought of being gay and only wanted to get rid of the feelings that I was experiencing. My first therapist would listen thoughtfully and empathetically—which I appreciated. However, his challenge to me was to “embrace” that part of myself. I HATED WHEN HE SAID THIS! Acceptance was the last thing on my mind.
For years, I ran from this part of myself, seeking things to change my desires and my way of thinking. I tried challenging my thoughts, using positive affirmations, and tapping different parts of my body to help me deal with the anxiety I was feeling. I even tried aversion techniques like wearing a rubber band around my wrist and snapping it whenever I felt same-sex attractions. All the while that I was doing these things; I only became more anxious and depressed.
After 20 years of doing these things, I finally decided that these techniques were not working for me…I was gay, and that wasn’t going to change. I finally embraced my authentic self, and as a result, my anxiety about being gay went away. The prospect of having a same-sex partner went from being terrifying to something that gave me hope for my future. It still gives me hope today.
The paradox in all of this is that when I stopped trying to change and began to accept the present reality of who I was, that’s when change started to happen! Not when I was actively trying to make myself change.
When we stop trying to change and accept our true, authentic selves, this opens space for change to happen. I know that you might be thinking that your situation is painful, and you want it to change—you don’t want someone to tell you to accept the pain and let it be. That is not what I am saying at all…Instead, I offer you the opportunity to get to know your real self and your partner (if you are seeking relationship therapy).
Getting curious about your desire to change is the first step in the process. When you make space for who you really are at present, you can start to understand how your anxiety, depression, anger, and so on work in your life. Take some time today to get curious about yourself—just as you are, not who you want to be in the future.
Begin by sitting or lying down in a comfortable position. As you do this, take some mindful breaths; counting to 4 as you inhale and slowly exhaling to the count of 6 or 8 (the goal here is to make your exhale last longer than your inhale). Do these three to four times and notice what happens in your body, mind, and spirit. Then settle into a normal, rhythmic breathing pattern. As you notice, you may experience sensations in your body. There may be tightness, aching, soreness, hollowness, and other feelings that come up for you. As you do this experiment, try to observe your experience non-judgmentally, not labeling it as good, bad, painful, or pleasant. Just notice as if you are watching yourself and describe what is occurring in yourself.
Try to stay with these sensations for a while. Begin asking questions like:
- “What am I experiencing right now?”
- “What sensations do I notice in my body?”
- “What emotions or feelings do I have while observing this part of myself?”
- “Are there thoughts or memories that come up when I feel this way?”
- “Am I trying to get rid of these feelings, sensations, thoughts, and/or memories?
At first, you may only be able to sit with these feelings for only a few seconds—and that’s okay. Later, you may be able to sit with them for a longer amount of time. This experience is useful for exploring your present experience in the here-and-now, which is where change can truly happen. You can do this exercise in many places: at home, at work, in traffic, during difficult conversations, and many other places and situations as well.
I know that it can be hard to accept what is painful, but I ask that you try these techniques and see what happens! Becoming curious and accepting even the unpleasant and painful parts of yourself may surprise you. This is the start of your road to recovery and change. If it becomes overwhelming, you can stop and try again another time. Remember: it’s about progress—not perfection. You can also ask for support from therapists here at The Works Counseling Center and me. We are here to support you and help you along your journey to becoming your authentic self! GET CURIOUS—you can do this!